So i officially started working today.
Goodbye beaches, hello office chair!!
Spending my day in the office crushing some papers, phoning some Canadians, and planning planning planning.
Tonight we had a prayer and worship time.
During the whole time all i could think about was how tomorrow a beautiful young girl is having surgery to get a cancerous brain tumor removed for the second time.
17 years old.
where is the justice in that?
I don't understand it, i don't have the answers.
What i do know is that God loves her.
The only thing to lean on is the truths about who God is
So tonight i stood there and i cried.
Tears poured down my face and i questioned God.
i questioned His character
i questioned His plan
i questioned how He could be just
i questioned how this situation proves true to Him being a just Father
As the singing continued i stood quiet
the tears stopped
the questions stopped
When it stopped being about me and what I didn't understand and what I was struggling about
It started to become about Him
He spoke so tenderly and so loving, just like a Father does. He reminded me that He is in control, that He has never lost sight of her, and that I don't see the whole picture.
Psalm 27:14 says "Wait for the Lords help, Be strong and brave and wait for the Lords help."
He is supreme
He is Lord over all.
There are a lot of things that don't make sense but God is the same everyday.
When He answers prayer and our lives seem to be full of joy......God is good
When our lives and the lives of those around us are falling apart and it seems hopeless....God is good.
So He is still good, and He will remain good. He will remain faithful.
He is teaching me and growing me.
There is still much of a story to be told, much of the puzzle pieces to come together.
Wait....wait on Him and embrace the peace He freely offers.
Jesus thank you that you are good through all circumstances.
Thank you that i deserve death yet you give me life.
Thank you Papa that through it all your strength is enough.
Thank you that i don't need to stay strong i just need to stay close...
west coast trail
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Round 3
Here i am again. This place that a month ago i was dreading going to.
That was all apart of the journey i guess.
The journey always makes the destination seem to make sense, the last four months i have been on quite a journey. The discontentment, the selfish ambitions and the struggle to surrender that i have walked through led me to this place. This place of being content, this place of reckless abandonment to the One who knows best, my Papa.
Being back in Hawaii makes me realize that it is all worth it.
All the sacrifice
All the surrendering
Everything
He is worth it.
So before the work begins i am blessed with some time of fun in the sun.
Way to much sun.....
Buying bicycles
Magic sands beach
Campus worship
Turtle beach (where we swam with the turtles and named one Murtle)
A fancy dinner eating a pound and a half of crab, way too much shrimp, and some very delicious mud pie.
Jumping in the pool with our dresses
Biking along the sea wall
Snorkelling with some beautiful fish
Cutting my heal on the reef while getting caught in the current
Frozen yogurt, a night out on the town and lots and lots of laughs
And now we’re paying for it.
The sunburns, exhaustion, and the pain.
That is what vacation is all about.
Okay. So another beautiful thing about vacation is the time you have to read a good book. This book that i am reading right now is just blowing me away. It is called “I kissed dating goodbye” the title is deceiving and it’s not actually about not dating. It’s a book about following Christ and what that means for all of our relationships. It challenges me to examine the aspects of life that dating touches-the way i treat others, the way i prepare for my future husband, and my personal purity- and look at what it means to bring these areas in line with Gods word.
Here is an excerpt from this book:
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, i found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
There were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. Bu these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that i recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, i knew exactly where i was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogue system for my life. Here were written the actions on my every moment, the big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as i began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that i would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends i have betrayed.”
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: “Books i have read,” “Lies i have told,” “Comfort i have given,” “Jokes i have laughed at.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things i’ve yelled at my brothers.” Others i couldn’t laugh at: “Things i have done in anger,” “Things i have muttered under my breath at my parents.” I never cease to be surprise by the contents. Often there were many more cards then i expected. Sometimes there were fewer than i hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life i had lived. Could it be possible that i had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “Songs i have listened to,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, i hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time i knew that file represented.
When i cam to a file marked “Lustful thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly i felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy i yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as i took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, i could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find is as strong as steel when i tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, i returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, i let out a long self-pitying sigh. And then i saw it. The title bore “People i have shared the Gospel with.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then i pushed away the tears, i saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments i couldn’t bring myself to look at His face, i saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No!” I shouted, rushing to Him. All i could find to say was “No, no,” as i pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there is was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. I was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed i placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
-I kissed dating goodbye by Joshua Harris.
Just because we feel bad or have remorse doesn’t mean we are forgiven it is only through our faith in Christ, only trust in His death and resurrection.
Easier said then done.
It is crazy to think that Jesus does this everyday. He covers our sin he takes away our guilt, he restores our shame with joy.
Wow we have it made!
That was all apart of the journey i guess.
The journey always makes the destination seem to make sense, the last four months i have been on quite a journey. The discontentment, the selfish ambitions and the struggle to surrender that i have walked through led me to this place. This place of being content, this place of reckless abandonment to the One who knows best, my Papa.
Being back in Hawaii makes me realize that it is all worth it.
All the sacrifice
All the surrendering
Everything
He is worth it.
So before the work begins i am blessed with some time of fun in the sun.
Way to much sun.....
Buying bicycles
Magic sands beach
Campus worship
Turtle beach (where we swam with the turtles and named one Murtle)
A fancy dinner eating a pound and a half of crab, way too much shrimp, and some very delicious mud pie.
Jumping in the pool with our dresses
Biking along the sea wall
Snorkelling with some beautiful fish
Cutting my heal on the reef while getting caught in the current
Frozen yogurt, a night out on the town and lots and lots of laughs
And now we’re paying for it.
The sunburns, exhaustion, and the pain.
That is what vacation is all about.
Okay. So another beautiful thing about vacation is the time you have to read a good book. This book that i am reading right now is just blowing me away. It is called “I kissed dating goodbye” the title is deceiving and it’s not actually about not dating. It’s a book about following Christ and what that means for all of our relationships. It challenges me to examine the aspects of life that dating touches-the way i treat others, the way i prepare for my future husband, and my personal purity- and look at what it means to bring these areas in line with Gods word.
Here is an excerpt from this book:
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, i found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
There were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. Bu these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that i recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, i knew exactly where i was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogue system for my life. Here were written the actions on my every moment, the big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as i began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that i would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends i have betrayed.”
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: “Books i have read,” “Lies i have told,” “Comfort i have given,” “Jokes i have laughed at.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things i’ve yelled at my brothers.” Others i couldn’t laugh at: “Things i have done in anger,” “Things i have muttered under my breath at my parents.” I never cease to be surprise by the contents. Often there were many more cards then i expected. Sometimes there were fewer than i hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life i had lived. Could it be possible that i had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “Songs i have listened to,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, i hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time i knew that file represented.
When i cam to a file marked “Lustful thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly i felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy i yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as i took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, i could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find is as strong as steel when i tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, i returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, i let out a long self-pitying sigh. And then i saw it. The title bore “People i have shared the Gospel with.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then i pushed away the tears, i saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments i couldn’t bring myself to look at His face, i saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands, and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No!” I shouted, rushing to Him. All i could find to say was “No, no,” as i pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there is was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. I was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed i placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
-I kissed dating goodbye by Joshua Harris.
Just because we feel bad or have remorse doesn’t mean we are forgiven it is only through our faith in Christ, only trust in His death and resurrection.
Easier said then done.
It is crazy to think that Jesus does this everyday. He covers our sin he takes away our guilt, he restores our shame with joy.
Wow we have it made!
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